I suck at diabetes

I’ve been having some ‘off’ days. By off I mean, I’ve been cranky and not in the best of moods. When I get like that I don’t like to post because I know I’ll come across whiny and annoying.

So what’s got me down? It’s a lot of things. We’ve had a lot of stress in our lives the past few months, and being sick twice in two months didn’t help. But right now what’s weighing heavily on my mind the most is my health.

Back in 2004 when I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes, I knew it was time to do something about my weight. I was freaked out but determined to get it under control and fast. I read a lot of books, did a lot of research and soul-searching. I thought I had a handle on things.

My goal was to lose enough weight to be able to control the diabetes on my own without medication. I did great. I lost almost 50 lbs over the next few months. I felt great. My BG levels were under control. I had some ups and downs but for the most part I was on the right track.

Then, I’m not sure what happened. My weight loss plateaued and I just hung out at the same weight for a very long time… about two years. It was frustrating but at the time I was hyper-focused on my job and living for that job (like an idiot). I stopped exercising but continued to eat right so it wasn’t that big of a deal. Even when I was diagnosed with borderline high cholesterol, I brushed it off knowing I’d “get back on track” soon. I knew I even gained a ‘couple’ pounds back but I wasn’t going to worry. I mentioned it here a few times how I was going to exercise and kick my butt back into gear. I meant it at the times I posted.

But I failed.

The reality check came the weekend Jack and I went on our little getaway. I brought some jeans I haven’t worn in a while. When I put them on I noticed right away they were snug, but I figured it was because they were freshly washed and would stretch out a bit. WRONG. I was miserable. I sat through breakfast wondering if I could get away with unbuttoning them and wondering if the circulation would come back to my legs when I stood up. After breakfast I explained to Jack my discomfort and we went and picked me up a few pairs of Capri sweats so I could breath again.

I wanted to cry. Those pants not only fit me when I got them over a year ago, they were sort of loose. Now I couldn’t even breathe in them.

A few days ago I finally got the courage to get back on the scale. I’ve gained back 13 pounds of the 50 I lost. It doesn’t sound like a whole lot, but it’s definitely showing and it’s obviously affecting my health both physically and mentally.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I thought about posting (mostly to myself) another “I’m going to do something about this” type post but FFS I’ve done that and I clearly don’t follow through. Getting all self-pitying about it isn’t helping either.

At this point, I just don’t know WHAT to do to get the motivation, the time, and the energy to do what needs to be done with this body of mine.

3 thoughts on “I suck at diabetes

  1. Pingback: I quit whining and I walked | SpacyTracie - Living with Diabetes

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